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I am dead to the world.

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Thursday, March 9th, 2006
1:25 am - procrastinatoria
i always want to be one of those people who updates their ljs all the time, b/c i so appreciate the existance of such people, especially when i'm being all procrastinaty late at night. so i'll write some junk and maybe it will distract someone for a few blissful seconds.

and i can think of nothing. except for the fact that gap makes curvy jeans now, which has completely changed my life. really. nothing else.

i wish i had mroe time to write this paper. i could enjoy it if i didn't have to vomit it out at 1am. it's for the one class i actually enjoy and i am too busy with giant fish theater to do anything except paint a lot of shit gold. but in other news i might have two jobs next quarter, and direct a show, and take classes, and do giant FOTA project. and lose my mind.

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Monday, March 6th, 2006
1:27 am - b/c I do everything Lila does
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
4. Find the 5th sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal...along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

"The dog was talking!"

Kafka on the Shore, by Haruki Murakami p.123

Of course that's not the book that actually be next to me. That book should be The Venture of Islam (either volumes 2 or 3 would suffice). I've tried to make it more exciting by thinking of it as The ADVENTURE of Islam, but that's not helping.

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Saturday, February 25th, 2006
8:42 pm - why i hate birds
Guy: We have to figure out a way to get rid of her bird.
Girl: I hate birds like that. They're full of secrets and dust.
Guy: And lice and opinions.

--from overheardinnewyork

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Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
11:15 pm - weather and water
so i'm blowing this popsicle stand and going home for the weekend. i was talking to emily about how she's going back to VA and thinking about how lila will be eaten by q2q and how i really don't have anything to do besides work so i decided to steal rufus and drive my butt back to peoria. and then i thought about all the wonderful things i could do at home this weekend. like see my family. and buy so much shit for ivona. and skate. and do laundry (for free)! this is really the best decision i've ever made. this quarter has been so stagnant. it's not really bad or sad but i've been doing nothing but applying for internships and getting my proposal together. next quarter and this summer i'll get to enjoy the fruits of my labor, but now i don't really have anything that exciting going on. but next quarter is going to rock. i'm so excited about this prospect that i might just overnight my goodman application and go the mca some other day so i can leave first thing in the morning. i wonder how much that would cost....

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Monday, February 6th, 2006
10:54 pm - winsome
and i failed to mention that matt savoie is going to the olympics.

matt savoie.

the olympics.

i know people who are doing such big things.

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Sunday, February 5th, 2006
11:10 pm - we are all the children of foucault
so next quarter i'm going to make theatre happen. really a lot.

in other news, lila and i almost died from the 53rd street Co-op.

but mostly in life i am trying to get as close as possible to sweet, sweet steppenwolf. except that i keep running out of gas (literally).

baby wolfgang said "hi margits" to me on the phone today. gave me reason to continue.

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Monday, December 12th, 2005
11:50 am - i guess this works
Your 2005 Song Is

Beverly Hills by Weezer

"My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me"

You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style!

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Friday, December 9th, 2005
11:01 pm
home. life is wonderful. chicago was perfect and i escaped before the big snow. going skating in the morning. no one will be drunk this time.

(tina should call me back and not just mention me on her livejournal).

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Sunday, December 4th, 2005
1:36 am - useless because...
i will be seeing all of you soon!

(or will at least be able to call you without time zone troubles and unreasonable charges)

but i am done - with school and london and stress until january.

it was awesome and i am happy that i came, but i am not sad to go home. london is not going anywhere and i have a big life ahead of me. i went mad shopping today and had some lovely london moments. i've said my goodbyes. i've packed. i just hope that there are good movies on the plane.

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Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
8:29 pm - you are really good food and i am full
my reflective mood has continued for a few days but i'm pretty comfortable with it because this is how i spent pretty much all of high school.

i got a terrible bout of homesickness this afternoon when i was supposed to be writing a paper for my last day of class tomorrow. i don't know where it came from because i really haven't been homesick at all since i've been here and only first few scary days in madrid. i laid down on my bed and tried to imagine myself back in chicago and all the exciting things that i will be doing next quarter. i'm better now (mostly) but it was just a really odd occurence. and i am so close.

the last five months have been maybe a bit more of a break from the world than i needed, but i'm glad for them nonetheless. i've made some conclusions about my life since i've been in london, the most important of which is that i am going to work in theatre for real when i graduate because i refuse to enter a profession that does not stir my soul and theatre is the one thing that does that the most. i've been jonesing to act and be creative so much this fall. it's almost like when i first left home to go to chicago and my legs would literally ache because i wanted to skate so badly and i couldn't. i physically need theatre in my life and i need to be a part of it's creation and not just a passive person in the audience. and i'm saying this after seeing (yesterday) probably the worst show i've ever seen in my life - god of hell by sam shephard. i was unsatisfied and offended and felt that the whole show was ill-conceived and pointless. but whatever, b/c even though that show is in my oppinion the worst thing that theatre can do - it was motivated by anger rather than a desire for truth and bordered on propaganda which, as edna st. vincent millay so wisely said, is not art - i still went to bed last night wanting to work in theatre.

so there life. take that. here i come.

and also, that ani song should have been the story of my life. should have been if i had any idea of what was best for me. and if other people stopped thinking that they did. i guess everything is timing/ i guess everything's been said/ so i am coming home with an empty head

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Monday, November 28th, 2005
5:52 pm - lost in my daydreams
in my whirlwind two years of relationships i'd forgotten the loveliness of invented love afairs. it's nice to be living in the world of fantasy and possibility again. it's infinitely more exciting and less stressful. i think i'll stay here for a while longer.

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Sunday, November 27th, 2005
10:42 pm - inner voices/ keeping me awake
it's just all going to come out...

my family was here over the weekend and i got this big rush of sadness when my brother was telling some story about walking downstairs one random morning and finding my dad asleep on the couch and then sitting down and watching a whole movie on tv while my dad was asleep. it was one of those moments when you realize that things have changed and they're never going to go back to the way they were. the things that we did every day for years and years we will never do again. my brother is not just going to be hanging around the house, nor am i, and now family time has become an event, but an event that has the air of forced normality - like we're trying to make it just another thanksgiving and ignore the fact that we're eating fish and chips and that half of the family is severely jet lagged. we go to movies, we do the uncomfortable family shopping trips in crowded department stores where ben and i complain until we're allowed to go off on our own. only this time it's harrods and not northwoods mall. my whole life i was waiting to be set free from my little closed-off peoria world, but i thought that i would always have that to go back to. i didn't think of the fact that it wouldn't be there anymore. home is not home. and london is not home. and chicago is almost home, but i'm not there and neither is most of my stuff.

and in the larger sense of my family things are really not ever going to be the same. i was really happy when i learned that everyone was going to be together for christmas because i couldn't remember a family gathering at which someone hadn't been absent for work reasons or something. but of course we're not going to be all together. because my grandpa is gone and he's never coming back and we will never be all together. our happy family which had previously known only peripheral sadness now has to face the hard truth that life is full of pain and though someone can have 50+ years of a good marriage and a good life and have kids with good marriages and good lives who have kids with good marriages and good lives it will always end with emptiness and pain.

and my wonderful grandma is sad and all i want to do is sit with her and tell stories and cry and watch law and order and make soup. i would give anything to not have her be alone. i get really upset when i start imagining the rest of her life and the fact that no matter what happens she will always feel at her core alone and sad. what kind of payment is that for a life well lived? and she will probably move out of rushville and i will never have a home there, in the place where my mom grew up and i was born. and when i finally find someone who i want to bring into my special wonderful family they will never know about grandma's house and the bicentennial collection and witch and the crazy wallpaper in the bathroom and that place that was for my entire life the one location where i knew nothing but happiness.

and i was home for almost two weeks and it broke my heart to leave. i need to go back and stay put for a good long while.

and all of this stuff has come to a head this weekend with my family being here and the fun times we had but the strangeness of the lives we now lead. i don't know in two years where i'll be or where my brother will be. hell i don't know where he'll be in six months, but i think it's a scary place. but everything that we saw and did this weekend spoke to me in some deeply personal way. harry potter literally punched my in the stomach and made my head spin i wanted in that story so bad. the movie ended and i could not remember what country i was in. i just feel so helpless in so many ways that clearly defined battles of good and evil make me long for a nobler world. then on friday we went to see the woman in white (which is andrew lloyd webber's latest, and don't you even think about making fun of me for getting so worked up about harry potter and stupid andrew lloyd webber. i know how lame i am) and it was really good and of course really epic and dramatic and i'm still so in the story that i've been dreaming about it. i won;t go into the productions bad points (b/c that's not the point of this) but it was victorian and romantic and had a really complex and interesting female lead and an ending that left me really unsettled in the way that good theatre leaves you unsettle. i'm a sucker for victorian social constructs and the patterns of behavior that they force people into. when there's a very good reason you can't follow your heart's desires it's emotional and interesting and it makes me want to cry all the time.

and that's about it. i need to go home and i'm working as hard as i can to get there. less than one week...

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Sunday, October 30th, 2005
1:43 am - Life and Death
Life is not sweet. One day it will be sweet
To shut our eyes and die:
Nor feel the wild flowers blow, nor birds dart by
With flitting butterfly,
Nor grass grow long above our heads and feet,
Nor hear the happy lark that soars sky high,
Nor sigh that spring is fleet and summer fleet,
Nor mark the waxing wheat,
Nor know who sits in our accustomed seat.

Life is not good. One day it will be good
To die, then live again;
To sleep meanwhile: so not to feel the wane
Of shrunk leaves drooping in the wood,
Nor hear the foamy lashing of the main,
Nor mark the blackened bean-fields, nor where stood
Rich ranks of golden grain
Only dead refuse stubble clothe the plain:
Asleep from risk, asleep from pain.

--Christina Rossetti

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Thursday, October 27th, 2005
5:38 pm - freaky deaky
so i'm walking down the street, talking with some friends, and i see a man walking towards us. i'm thinking to myself "he looks like someone i know" and then he comes closer and i realize it's fucking rob chaskin!* we both just stand there with a dumb look on our faces while my friends are very confused by my being stopped by random middle aged man. there were mutual "what are you doing in london?"s ("meeting a colleague" was his enigmatic response) and that was about it. he was obviously meeting his colleague right then and i had a meeting to go to so we parted ways. just a bit of randomness on an idle thursday.

also, i reallyreallyreally love everything to do with the victorian era. i don't know if/how this will change my current life plan, but i am in the midst of thinking through it.

*Hitchcock Resident Master**, for those of you not in the know
**faculty member who lives in the dorm and "facilitates the life of the mind outside the classroom" (read: gives us food and cheap tickets to cultural events), for those of you even less in the know

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Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
4:10 pm
best part about watching the world series while in a foreign country - hearing the may of chicago referred to as "a bloke by the name of richard m. daley." also, the ghetto british sound stage where their random announcers were included a lot of baseball paraphernalia, including a prominently displayed montreal expos cap. sigh, good try...but not quite. silly silly british. mostly i was just impressed that they broadcast the game at all, though it was on random satellite channel.

but i saw obama in the crowd and many many shots of my beautiful chicago skyline. best part of the evening was reminiscing with betsy about high school speech. she went to warren township and did radio. and we both did sound for theatre things. how random! baseball is a brilliant game simply because it's possible to hold entire conversations on a variety of topics and still know what's going on.

but i still slept in my cubs shirt last night. someday....

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Friday, October 21st, 2005
1:48 am - i have never loved successfully
so before you get too worried about me, let me just say that the title of this entry is a quote from "epitaph for george dillon" aka my latest london theatre escapade to be discussed later in this entry.

so my life is mostly composed of class, group trips, and keeping tensions to a low simmer. i could go into more detail about the exact nature of who is in what clique and which cliques get along together but i will spare you (and myself) from the stupidity of it all. mostly i just try and be nice to everyone and not to spend my time exclusively with the "clique" that i seem to have fallen into, even though i really like them. but i feel like there are weird tensions or secrets that i'm not party too and i'm torn between feeling left out and being glad not to be involved in more pointless drama. but most of this is just the product of a tough week where we had group activities almost every day. it's inherently stressful maneuvering around london with 25 people and i think it's wearing a little thin on all of us.

but enough of that. we started our victorian lit class this week and the interesting subject matter makes up for a less engaging professor. beth helsinger is brilliant and really interesting to talk to, but she has a soft voice and can't command a classroom like michael murrin can. but it's better that he taught the stuff that i found more boring, so in a sense we're spreading the wealth. but i am so excited because i have a really great idea for my first paper (due monday, yuck) and she thinks it's really interesting and i think it will be easy and enjoyable to write. it's specific enough to be completely exhausted in 5-7 pages and is all about dickens' language, which just makes me melt. so i feel really on top of that, even if i haven't finished my paper for the last class.

but tonight i went to the theatre to alleviate all the stress of papers and too many people all the time. i went to see "epitaph for george dillon" with the amazing and handsome joseph finnes. the show was about an actor who falls in with a middle class suburban family and the conflicts that arise. i have to say i could identify with parts of it where george had this complete disconnect between the people surrounding him. i felt like that in peoria a lot,like i existed on a different plane than the other more pedestrian people who couldn't appreciate art in the same way. i felt ashamed about it, but i wasn't trying to be superior...but maybe i was a little. anyway, there was also a great chemistry between him and the aunt of the family who had extremely leftist political leanings. they had amazing brilliant arguments. i love amazing brilliant arguments and try to have them in my own life, which often leads to bad things because sometimes i forget that most normal people do not think arguments are brilliant and amazing, or at least not mine. i'm safer watching them on stage. the show ended up being a very interesting look at the place of art in society and the motives of the artist or the distinction of him as a special class. it ended with resignation, but not a pessimistic kind. it just felt very real, especially since i've come to the firm belief that my education or artistic inclinations make me no better than anyone else. for some people in some situations it means just as much to lead a normal life as it does for me to lead a great one. this wasn't exactly the message of the play, it just ended with a beautiful dissonance, i was just able to understand it better through my own personal realizations. i've stopped holding out for happy endings. i think i've stopped holding out for endings period. things just go.

and that's why i'm here. to think about things like that and not talk about who made what annoying comment in class or whatever it is that we occupy ourselves with when we're wasting away this time. so this weekend i'm removing myself. i'm going to write my paper(s) out of the dorm, i'm going to portabello road, i am walking to batersea park, and i'm going to at least one museum. but i still have to find a group for our sixth week project. goddammit.

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Monday, October 17th, 2005
12:10 am - mafoosh
it's kinda a miracle i'm still alive after last night. let's just say the sketch factor was way high, but i used some of the skills i acquired in madrid to fend off the sketchy guys at the club. and then there was that free bottle of belvedere at the hotel bar where we wound up... oh, and the champagne

so i spent most of the day recovering from last night and sharing stories/filling in the details with everyone else. my new favorite hangover food is savory dutch pancakes filled with spinach and cheese (with sweet banana/chocolate/ice cream ones for dessert). then we watched some of sarah's er episodes and i proceeded to not finish my paper. but i feel pretty prepared for the first day of victorian lit tomorrow, so at least i did something.

also, i am officially going to budapest for five days in the begining of november! i bought a plane ticket and made a hostel reservation (for 10$ a night!) and tomorrow i will celebrate by buying a travel guide.

AND, i may have found inspiration in more than one area. am pondering it over and will be sure to let you all know when i've processed it all.

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Friday, October 14th, 2005
4:43 pm - theatre-gasm
so i have one third of my paper wiritten and i am currently employing the 1:1 work:procrastination ratio, meaning that since i've worked for an hour or so i can fuck around for an hour or so. my weekend is totally shot. writing papers in foriegn countries is my new least favorite thing.

but i had some escapades yesterday, which makes life a little less sad. after class yesterday (and i'm not even going to discuss the depression that has resulted from michael murrin being removed from my life) i ate a giant indian veggie burger thing that was possiby the best food i've ever had in my life and then watched the new pride and prejudice. i was kinda expecting to hate it, but kierra knightly doensn't suck and the mr. darcy was really good. not colin firth good, but by the end of the movie i still wanted to do him even though he had a big nose. and the best part was leaving the movie theatre and being in london. sometime i forget that i'm here, especially when i'm in enclosed spaces and surrounded by chicago people, but then i walk outside and am here and just think to myself "wow, i forget that the world is this beautiful."

after the movie (and all the squealing that followed) i came back here, switched groups of people (we've gotten clique-y, which i hate, so i'm consciously trying to make the rounds) and went to the globe to see measure for measure. i'd seen the show at chicago shakes. last spring and didn't find it that amazing but i LOVED this one. i'm glad that i saw a comedy at the globe because they really played well off of the audience and it made standing there for two and a half hours less sad. the show was really good and the actor who played the duke/friar was excellent. the last scene of the play just filled me with riddiculous amounts of joy and the audience went wild at the end. they took at lest four bows and did a little dance and the audience was still clapping just as hard. then the duke/friar came out and asked for our donations to help with this project that they've started to work with people in mental hospitals and bring theatre like this to them. and everyone that i saw was giving them money, which made me even happier. best theatre high i've had in a long time, which just reminds me of how much i would love to live in that world for the rest of my life. and it was socially aware theatre, which made it even better. hooray for making the world a better place through art!

so we leff the theatre and walked along the south bank and looked at the loveliness of london and i danced around and sarah, betsy, and caitling laughed at me and i laughed at me and we ate greek food and drank wine and then hopped on the tube for a while and came back and slept forever and was still full of joy when i awoke but now i have to work more on this paper and am a little sadder about life but the world is still beautiful so that's ok.

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Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
8:31 pm - R. Mutt
so i've hit a wall. the paper i have that's "due" friday is not going to get done friday. i know that no one else is turning theirs in on friday and that the professor has given us about seventeen different ways that we could turn it in after friday and that this friday "deadline" is only because he's leaving the country the next day but i still feel a little guitly about not getting it done. i just really need a weekend to work on it. part of this guilt comes from the fact that i am way too tired to do any actualy work now, so i still have the reading for tomorrow that's unfinished, as was the reading for today's class. and some of the reading for my paper (but only one poem that i migth not include anyway and is really not a central part of my argument). but i just took a big nap, which is helping things, and am about to go watch britain's next top model and then a movie that's actually assigned.

i did actually do something worhtwhile today, which was my visit to the tate modern. it's a really giant, rambly place and there doesn't seem to be any specified starting point or ending point for the collection. it's not grouped chronologiacally or by any other discernable method of organization, just in vague groups like "urban, suburban, and rural" and "composition and assembly." but once i stopped fighting the museum and just resigned myself to the constant discovery of new rooms i really liked it. there was one dimly lit room of rothkos in which i could have spent an entire day just sitting and absorbing the energy. spekaing of energy, the museum itself used to be an old power plant and the glass and wood stories of the exhibit halls are kind of interwoven with this very industrial space. and the building hums (much like the harper library) which i rather really enjoyed. and everyone their seemed to be sketching the artwork and talking about it. i was probably the nosiest museum i've ever been too, but i liked the casual atmosphere of it - more like an industrial playground than a sacred space. i had a cappuccino in the cafe while reading and waiting for the rain to stop. the rain never stopped. got quite wet walking to the tube station and then wet again salking from the tube station home. i had a giant meal at five and am hungry again. time for cheese.

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Sunday, October 9th, 2005
11:42 pm - green valleys and brotherly love
so i'm back. i had several near-death experiences and my shoes turned my feet orange since i was soaking wet all the time. the english country side was intense but beautiful. it was a lovely weekend, but i'm glad to be clean and dry now. i felt the sun and the wind trampled across stones that were centuries old. more detail to come.

the important thing, however, is that i called my mom when i got back and she told me that she and my dad and BEN are coming to london for thanksgiving! so incredibly happy. trying to savour all the family moments while we still can. i'm already thinking of things that we can do.

also, i might be going to budapest. just because i can.

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