babywolfgang (babywolfgang) wrote,

i have never loved successfully

so before you get too worried about me, let me just say that the title of this entry is a quote from "epitaph for george dillon" aka my latest london theatre escapade to be discussed later in this entry.

so my life is mostly composed of class, group trips, and keeping tensions to a low simmer. i could go into more detail about the exact nature of who is in what clique and which cliques get along together but i will spare you (and myself) from the stupidity of it all. mostly i just try and be nice to everyone and not to spend my time exclusively with the "clique" that i seem to have fallen into, even though i really like them. but i feel like there are weird tensions or secrets that i'm not party too and i'm torn between feeling left out and being glad not to be involved in more pointless drama. but most of this is just the product of a tough week where we had group activities almost every day. it's inherently stressful maneuvering around london with 25 people and i think it's wearing a little thin on all of us.

but enough of that. we started our victorian lit class this week and the interesting subject matter makes up for a less engaging professor. beth helsinger is brilliant and really interesting to talk to, but she has a soft voice and can't command a classroom like michael murrin can. but it's better that he taught the stuff that i found more boring, so in a sense we're spreading the wealth. but i am so excited because i have a really great idea for my first paper (due monday, yuck) and she thinks it's really interesting and i think it will be easy and enjoyable to write. it's specific enough to be completely exhausted in 5-7 pages and is all about dickens' language, which just makes me melt. so i feel really on top of that, even if i haven't finished my paper for the last class.

but tonight i went to the theatre to alleviate all the stress of papers and too many people all the time. i went to see "epitaph for george dillon" with the amazing and handsome joseph finnes. the show was about an actor who falls in with a middle class suburban family and the conflicts that arise. i have to say i could identify with parts of it where george had this complete disconnect between the people surrounding him. i felt like that in peoria a lot,like i existed on a different plane than the other more pedestrian people who couldn't appreciate art in the same way. i felt ashamed about it, but i wasn't trying to be superior...but maybe i was a little. anyway, there was also a great chemistry between him and the aunt of the family who had extremely leftist political leanings. they had amazing brilliant arguments. i love amazing brilliant arguments and try to have them in my own life, which often leads to bad things because sometimes i forget that most normal people do not think arguments are brilliant and amazing, or at least not mine. i'm safer watching them on stage. the show ended up being a very interesting look at the place of art in society and the motives of the artist or the distinction of him as a special class. it ended with resignation, but not a pessimistic kind. it just felt very real, especially since i've come to the firm belief that my education or artistic inclinations make me no better than anyone else. for some people in some situations it means just as much to lead a normal life as it does for me to lead a great one. this wasn't exactly the message of the play, it just ended with a beautiful dissonance, i was just able to understand it better through my own personal realizations. i've stopped holding out for happy endings. i think i've stopped holding out for endings period. things just go.

and that's why i'm here. to think about things like that and not talk about who made what annoying comment in class or whatever it is that we occupy ourselves with when we're wasting away this time. so this weekend i'm removing myself. i'm going to write my paper(s) out of the dorm, i'm going to portabello road, i am walking to batersea park, and i'm going to at least one museum. but i still have to find a group for our sixth week project. goddammit.
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